these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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