Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
