your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I will be naked everywhere
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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