I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the condom got lost in my hair
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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