I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
