Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
