Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
