I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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