I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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