if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
