I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
