I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
