I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
