There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
