You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
