mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize