ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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