I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
