im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
In America we eat man semen.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
