Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
