Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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