I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
