I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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