if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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