Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
