If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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