i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
