John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize