My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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