If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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