dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
