What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
