I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
