the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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