we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
