A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we have officially lost it.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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