There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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