We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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