I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
