Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
