So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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