so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
