Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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