we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
