why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
