I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
