They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
