I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize