He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
