You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
