i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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