Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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