I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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