Your dad touched me again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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