I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
